$29 USD once. PDF and EPUB by email.
YOU’RE A GOOD PARENT. SOME OF THE RULES THAT WORKED AT 7 NEED A REBUILD AROUND 11.
It’s dinner again. You’ve called them three times. The fourth time, “in a minute” comes back through a closed door.
At 15 it can look different: a lie, or a message you read and she found out. Then comes “you don’t trust me”, and the door shuts.
Hold one agreement for two to four weeks, and more evenings end with his own hand on the off button, with no grabbing from you.
With a teenager, the repair comes first. A month in, she comes to you first, at least sometimes.
IN PARENTS’ WORDS
Under each line is the change to look for after two to four weeks of that chapter’s steps.
“He’ll say one more minute, which never happens.”
→ More evenings end with his own hand on the off button.
Chapter 6, One More Minute
“My ‘no’ is negotiable.”
→ More often, a no on Monday is still a no on Thursday.
Chapter 8, My No Is Negotiable
“She had a burner phone.”
→ More often, you hear the truth from her first.
Chapter 18, She Lied to My Face
“Ok ok ok, and the door shuts.”
→ Asked once, more jobs get done by the time you named.
Chapter 9, In a Minute
“I’m losing her.”
→ Small pieces of her day start reaching you again.
Chapter 17, My Teenager Hates Me
Shortened, from messages parents sent me and from what parents write online. The book’s Problem Finder has more than 100 lines like these, each with its chapter.
Checked her phone, and she found out? Chapter 4, Knock Before You Come In, has the words: “I did. It was wrong. Your messages are yours.”
LESS GRIP, MORE GROUND
Grip is the checking, the searching, the reminding and the taking away.
Ground is three or four rules that never change, like the ending agreed before the screen goes on. It also needs a parent who stays calm while they hold.
Less grip keeps the limits that matter. A few of them hold at every age.
What you can put down, and what takes its place
Going through their phone → the Four Questions before they go out
Taking the phone as punishment → a small repair named in advance: fix it, pay it back, redo it or plan it again
Monitoring apps and filters → the Amnesty Rule: when your child is in trouble, they call you and you come first
Repeating yourself ten times → One Ask: ask once, in person, and let them say the time out loud
What you hold
The ending of every screen session, agreed before the screen goes on
Four questions before they go out: where, who with, how they get home, and when
Every phone in the house sleeps outside the bedrooms at night, yours too
A clear no to alcohol and drugs, vapes included. It starts with you.
“If you’re ever in trouble, call me… I’ll come and get you first.”
IS IT TOO LATE?
Among the parents of teenagers who messaged me, more than a third asked some version of this question, often first.
For the first two or three weeks, only one person in the house changes: you. Chapter 5 gives you the first words, said once:
“I am sorry for how I have been handling things. A few things stay the same: you tell me where you are and how you’re getting home, and all our phones sleep outside bedrooms at night. Everything else we will work out together.”
A sample to put in your own words. Say it once, then stop talking.
TRY ONE TONIGHT
Most chapters open with a box like these, from Chapter 6, One More Minute, and Chapter 17, My Teenager Hates Me.
Chapter 6. If You Only Have Two Minutes
Agree on the ending before the screen goes on.
Let your child be the one who calls the end.
Never grab a device or take it away as punishment.
At night, every phone in the house sleeps outside the bedrooms. Yours too.
When the time is up and he plays on, Chapter 6 shows one step: “It is on the page. I’ll be in the kitchen.” The next day, the two of them fix the page together. The family in that scene is invented.
Chapter 17. If You Only Have Two Minutes
Tonight, sit near them for twenty minutes and ask nothing.
When they come out of their room, say “Hi, love. Glad to see you.” Make no comment that they came out.
What’s inside
36 chapters in 8 parts, with family agreements to fill in and a page for your kid at the back.
The Foundation. Why they pull away, and the few lines that hold at every age. Starting late is covered too.
The Daily Battles. Screens and gaming, “in a minute”, backtalk, blow-ups, homework, chores and sleep.
Staying Close. Taking an interest in their world, and what to do when the door shuts or the lies start.
Growing Up. Friends, going out, alcohol and vapes, money and first jobs.
Bodies, Love, Sex and Safety. The 10 talks, each with opening words for every age from 10 to 17.
The Family Around Them. Siblings, partners, two homes and the day you yell.
Bigger Than Boundaries. A hard phase or a red flag, and the first 24 hours.
The Long Game. From 16 into adulthood.
WHO WROTE IT
I’m Katy Goodwin, with a master’s degree in child development. Before this book, I wrote The Boundary System, for the years up to 10. More than 350,000 parents follow me on Instagram.
In my personal work, I’ve helped more than 100 families one to one with their preteens and teens. The idea of less grip and more ground comes from my personal plans for parents of older kids. Most chapters also rest on research on teenagers and their parents.
My son is still young, and I don’t have a teenager yet. Nowhere in this book do I pretend otherwise.
ABOUT MY FIRST BOOK
“I was very doubtful when ordering your guide… BUT it was actually very helpful… for me it really helped to know that we can change one thing at a time.”
“We only started applying it recently and nothing is magically fixed, but I already feel different inside.”
Shortened messages from parents about The Boundary System, my book for younger children. The Teen Boundary System is new, so it has no reviews yet.
WHO IT’S FOR
Parents of 10 to 17 year olds tired of the same daily fights: the phone, the tone, the chores and the “in a minute”.
Trust has cracked: a lie, or a message you read and your child found out.
Readers of The Boundary System whose child just turned 10.
Anyone with an 8 or 9 year old who wants to be ready before the door shuts.
Who it isn’t for
If you want an app that reads their messages, this is the wrong book. Chapters 4 and 26 deal with the worry behind it.
Families in danger right now. Call your local emergency number. In a mental health crisis, find a crisis line in your country at findahelpline.com. A professional’s care comes first, and the book helps you find the right one.
QUICK ANSWERS
My child is 11. Will it fit? Most chapters have a part for 10 to 12 and a part for 13 to 17.
At 9, is it too early? Start with Chapters 1 and 2, then read the ten talks in Bodies, Love, Sex and Safety.
He’s 15. Is it too late? Chapter 5 covers starting at 12 and at 16.
Will my child go along with it? He helps write the agreement on a calm day, his idea first. A few lines stay yours, and you explain the reason.
My partner and I don’t agree. Will it work? Chapter 31 starts with one shared moment, held for two to four weeks.
No time for a whole book? Chapter 2 and your chapter come to about 4,500 words.
Is it a printed book? Digital only: the PDF and the EPUB reach you by email.
What if it doesn’t help? There’s a 30-day money-back guarantee. If the book doesn’t work for you, email me at support@katygoodwins.com and you get a full refund.
$29 USD, once.
Hold one agreement for two to four weeks. Then compare this month with the month you started. Look for five of the seven signs of progress in Chapter 5:
The fights get shorter.
Making up comes faster.
Your child comes to you first, at least sometimes.
Something about their day reaches you, even a small thing.
You are calmer.
You get 36 chapters, a Problem Finder that points you to yours, family agreements to fill in and a page written for your kid.
Digital only: the PDF and the EPUB reach you by email as soon as your payment goes through.
To start, read Chapter 2 and the chapter for your line: about 4,500 words.